college

April-June Secrets!

“I injured my foot 2 years ago which eventually caused a knee injury that hasn’t gone away. I’ve seen several doctors and tried physical therapy. Nothing seems to work. I’m falling more and more into a deep depression. Exercising helped me combat my depression and anxiety for years. It’s always been my shield. But now, I can’t to run or do anything aerobic without being pain. I just got laid off, physical ailments, and a dramatic experience with an ex. This year hasn’t produced anything positive thus far. I haven’t felt this low in a long time. My mind is going into dark places.”

“I’ve accomplished a lot in life, but I don’t think I’ll ever beat my scalp picking addiction.”

“I think most people who say they’re my friends just feel sorry for me because they think I’m weird.”

January-March Secrets!

Editor’s note:

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to post these (they were submitted in January and February)! I don’t have a good excuse, I’ve just been a little overwhelmed for the past few months for a few reasons and got behind. But as always, I have no intentions of abandoning TerpSecret. As long as one person in the world has a secret to share, I’ll be here.

Also, both of these make me wish I could respond to the people who submitted them. As crazy as my life gets sometimes, I always want to help people who reach out to me. If you don’t have a secret but need advice, I’m here to help.

❤ Sarah

“My ex-girlfriend and I broke up, but we decided to have sex one last time and my condom broke. I didn’t cum and she took plan B. She began bleeding a week later which is 2 weeks before her normal period. I’ve been freaking out every day and have had extreme anxiety. I tried to be there for her, but she abruptly stopped talking to me and won’t return any of my calls.

After this experience, I have come to the conclusion that I never want to have sex again or ever involve myself in a relationship. There is way too much pain and stress associated with it.”

“Every once in a while I’ll do this thing, where I lay in bed all day pretending I’m dead just to see if anyone would notice if I killed myself overnight. I’ve come to the conclusion that my body would have to start to smell before anyone even tried knocking on my door. The longest time was 42 hours. Two days I laid in bed and didn’t make a single sound, didn’t eat or watch TV. Nobody even texted to see where I was. I stayed away from home to see how long it would take someone to notice I was gone. Two weeks until someone tried to get a hold of me. If I died, it would take my family days to realize it.”

May Secrets!

We all have secrets, so unleash yours.

“I have an eating disorder. I thought I was over it, I used to be bulimic to the point that I’d be nauseous if I ate, and then it transformed to Anorexia when it came to much to handle. My friend had me start smoking weed, it made me hungry and not give a fuck. I’ve been smoking since I was 16, and I thought I was over my disorder. The past few days I have not smoked, I can not eat and when I try to I feel like I’m going to throw up until I finally just made myself. I realize today that I never got over it, I masked the symptoms, but I never got to the root of the issue. The real problem is I hate myself.”

——-

“I drink at work. On the job. My coffee always has Jamison. My coke always has rum. And the saddest part, is I’m so functional no one notices.”

——-

“I never feel like I’m good enough in anything I do. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t try so I have an excuse afterwards. It makes me settle and I am tired of settling, but I’m stuck with this habit of self-sabotage.”

——-

“I keep myself awake at night envisioning what it would be like to get in fights with people I don’t like.”

——-

“I resent my parents for not doing things right the first time. They love me and I love them, but they screwed up my life.”

——-

“I have an eating disorder.
Finally realizing this after the third doctor has told me to see someone.
I fight it though sometimes I find myself having gone a day or two having eaten nothing but a cup of coffee I don’t need help.
I’ve figured it out so far and I’m working on it.
I can be strong.
sometimes…”

——-

“I hate the way I act when I drink because I know everyone else hates it to, so when my friends ask me to go out I make excuses just to avoid being talked about behind my back.”

April Secrets!

“Anyone ever get the feeling of:

‘Hey mom and dad I wanna do these great things!’
-me

‘Well that’s great, we support you. But you shouldnt do that, you should do this.’
-parents

Apparently I can’t live my dreams, I have to live the dreams they want me to dream. I also think it’s horse-shit.

#forevertheblacksheep”

——-

“I pretend that I love what I’m doing but I really just do it all to prove a point.”

——-

“My biological dad pretty much made it apparent that he didn’t think I would amount to anything and was a complete failure because I smoked weed. (Which is only because he smokes weed and never did anything). He kicked me out a longtime ago, and he doesn’t even know this but I’m in college again. I’m an anthropology major. I plan to get my masters. I have STRAIGHT A’S. And before every test I get as high as possible. In 3 out of 4 of my classes I have the best grade. Am I a failure still, daddy?”

——-

“I don’t greet people first because I don’t want to exist.”

——-

“After three months of applying and getting rejected, I finally got a job offer. Now, I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

March Secrets!

“I might take a job on the other side of the country just to be close to a girl I’m falling in love with. Oh, and she has a boyfriend. Am I being stupid?”

——-

“I’m pretty sure all of my friends actually hate me.”

——-

“I think I’m borderline eating disorder, but I don’t know I could ever admit that to anyone I care about.”

——-

“I’ve been home for over 24 hours and my family just noticed I was here. And then when they noticed they asked me why I was even there in the first place. Last I checked I lived here too.”

——-

“My bf gets weird whenever I mention my rehab visit. It was way before we even met, and he’s never even met the drug addict me. But still he gets all quiet. I AM NOT ASHAMED THAT I SOUGHT HELP FOR MY PROBLEM.”

——-

“My two roommates are so immature. But I don’t mean silly or goofy, I mean the way they handle situations and what their life goals are is so below their age, it’s ridiculous. As much as I love being friends with them, they’re hard to put up with. I feel like they think I’m not fun or interesting, but I think I’m just acting my age.”

September Secrets!

“I wish I could fall in love.”

——-

“We haven’t been dating long, but I know right now that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

——-

“YOU are my ex. YOU told me what to wear, how to be, and made me feel guilty for being anything close to attractive. I’m with someone else now, who actually treats me right. But today, I was nice to a guy and he got the wrong message and grabbed at me, tried to feel me up. I told him I loved the man I was with now and he accepted that and left. After he did, I cried so hard. I felt so guilty. I called my boyfriend, no answer. I texted him EVERY detail about what happened. And I’m still waiting for him to call back (he’s most likely asleep).

After such a long relationship with YOU I don’t know how to have a healthy one. I LOVE THIS MAN I AM WITH NOW, but still your rules and judgments haunt me every day. I don’t want him to leave me, so I still find myself following your rules, even if I know that HE is way less judgmental, and so much more loving than you. I escaped you physically, how do I escape you mentally?”

——-

“Have you ever thought about ending it all? Because things aren’t going your way? Me too. Ending it all is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem! Don’t do it! Someone somewhere would never be the same if you did!

Shit had been incredibly rough for me lately, had those same thoughts. Take a breath, relax, knock out or of those problems at a time, and you’ll be ok. Doesn’t hurt to pray about it either.

-Sincerely,

A guy who has even down quite the hellacious road lately-BUT- is surviving and overcoming to Succeed!”

July Secrets!

“All I can say is I was just trying to keep the peace. And all you wanted to do was blame me for everything instead of actually confronting the right people about how you felt. And now here we are… with you telling me we can no longer be friends because I was trying to include you. So now I am here… feeling hurt and confused.”

——-

“Dear Mom,

I hate you. I know we are like “BFF’s 4-Eva” or whatever you want to call it, but I think you are the most immature and selfish middle-aged woman I have ever met. You weren’t supposed to be my friend, you were supposed to be my mother. Now that I’m in my 20s you want to try to have a say in what I do? You want to talk to me about how “you’re my mother and you worry”? You think I believe that you’re on the straight and narrow now? You’re a horrible liar, you always have been, but I’m not. That’s why I can smile and laugh when I see your face. That’s why I can tell you I love you. But I’ll lie till the day you die, make you feel like you have that daughter you always thought you had. But sorry mom, you killed that girl a long time ago.”

——-

“I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times. It kills me that my family doesn’t know. It kills me that my sorority sisters don’t know. But probably more than anything, it kills me that of the couple of people that know, only one is someone who hasn’t broken my heart.”

——-

“I know I harp on this subject every year, but 7 years ago today, I sliced my Achilles tendon on my right ankle- straight up in 2. Cast for 2 months, walking boot for 1, physical therapy for 3, and I still occasionally/rarely walk funny because of it (mini limp/gimp). It just makes me wonder what I could have done in life if it weren’t for that major setback. Truly thankful for the small things in life.”

——-

“I really like the way things are going between us, you seem to be perfect and your so sweet. However, when you finally hear my story, my history….I doubt you’ll stick around.”

May Secrets!

“This semester was surely the worst time of my life. It just got worse with time
1. It started with me dropping one of my courses as I thought I dint grasp the material well
2. I would have to retake another class in fall’13 cause I almost fail in one final
3. Now Im in jeopardy of being kicked out of the major, even as a senior, if I don’t do well in both of them next sem
4. Got fired from my job for no legit reason
5. Got nothing for the summer! No internships! Would have to take a summer class
6. I hardly have any friends in College. Really cant talk to any of these acquaintances
7. Have to lie or dodge around these questions in front of my family or friend(s)
8. Financially broke. I will be forced to drop out of college if I’d need one more sem to graduate

Worst : I don’t even think I gave my everything. It kills me from inside. More than anything, I am dissapointed with myself.”

——-

“my whole life i have had this disgusting desire to please everyone, and i don’t know how to stop. i feel it’s stopping me from being the person i’m supposed to be, probably a worse person than i am now. i’m just so fucking sick of trying to be what someone else expects or living up to anything that resembles perfection, even in the smallest, most insignificant way. i’m sick of believing martyring myself in any way in order to please someone makes me better than someone else, when, in reality, it really fucking doesn’t. I hate it, i loathe it, and i wish i never gave a fuck.”

——-

“A couple weeks ago, a couple of my friends decided to go out to Rehoboth beach at night. The four of us drove out at 2 in the morning and made it just in time to watch the sun rise.

I sat there on the beach with my three friends and for some reason, I couldn’t help but think of you. I hadn’t seen you in over a year. We hadn’t been together since two years ago. But you still pop up in my mind every now and then.

And I hate it. I hate remembering you.

That night, on that beach, I decided to finally let you go. It’s done. I’m done thinking about you and everything we went through.

I found out you’d already started dating someone.
I’m genuinely happy for you, I wish you all the best in your relationship – and I sincerely hope this is the one for you.

But it was like reopening a wound. It shouldn’t have been, but it was.
I have to keep telling myself that I’m done thinking about you.”

——-

“I wrote this last year “We are supposed to have a four year old. I know you always say your glad you don’t have kids, when all our friends do, but everytime you say it, it kills me. I wanted that baby, and it died inside of me. You didn’t want to talk about it, you still wont to this day, and you wonder why I changed. I killed our child, it was a miscarriage but I still feel like a murderer. How can you be happy about that?….. ”

Since then you cheated and left me for someone else and she’s due in two months. I keep talking about how happy I am, and I lucked out, and talk so much shit about how karma kicked your ass. I’ve also found out I most likely can’t even carry a baby to term ever. I also hear your think about naming it that name we talked about.

What did I ever do in life to deserve this? I don’t think I can handle much more.”

——-

“The person who has the paranoia about their friends: I had that too! I’d also think that they were just putting up with me because they had to.

If you give it some time, you’ll find that there are some really special people who aren’t just putting up with you, and that do truly like, you because you are someone special.

What it all comes down to is trust. It’s big and scary, but once you realise they are really your friends, you won’t think they’re saying bad things about you behind your back.”

——-

“Every time I get into a dangerous situation (like a close encounter with a car accident), I think about whose lives would actually be affected if I were to be killed or hospitalized. But then I think that I must have survived for a reason, and so I must belong on this Earth. I guess that means I’m not done here, and I think that’s a good thing.”

——-

“I have this crazy paranoia that all of my friends actually hate me and talk behind my back every time I leave the room.”

April Secrets!

“Dammit! I screwed up on my chances to meet the Goo Goo Dolls at the Preakness. They’re my songwriting inspiration.”

——-

“I don’t want to be here…at my home in Baltimore. I’m suppose to celebrate my dad’s wedding. My other friend lost his father and I want to support him. For once I can say I do trust somebody. Sometimes I feel he has more ears and a brain than my dad will ever have.

I don’t care about his wedding. He threatened me to come. He said if I didn’t he won’t through me an Eagle ceremony. I have to look at all the stuff he’s done to me; called me fat, feel asleep every time I asked him to order Senior Portraits, told me to get lost, and made me throw my own graduation party.

I wish he’d appreciate some of the things I did after my mom died. I made him dinner and got the Eagle Scout Award HE WANTED!

I hate being unappreciated.”

——-

“I’ve had a sense of impending doom for weeks now. The truth is, I’m a fraud and finals are going to expose me.”

——-

“I hate it when people say “welcome to the real world”

Fuck off. You don’t know anything about me or my life.”

——-

“It pisses me off when I’m told to “lighten up” or “relax”

especially about something that I don’t find funny, or that genuinely bothers me.

Fuck off alright?

This shit is real to me, don’t tell me to just smile and take it, and I’m not going to laugh at something that isn’t funny to me.”

——-

“So I just found out I have public lice (crabs) and its freaking me out/disgusting. I’ve been reading up on it and I can’t just shave all my hair down there, I’ll probably actually have to go to a doctor to get a prescription for treatment. I blame this on my hairy boyfriend and his lack of hygiene. Is this a breakup worthy offense? I haven’t slept with anyone but him for the past two months….”

——-

“Ever since we first talked on the first day of second semester, i had a feeling that we’d end up together, i dont know why. At first it was interesting, how you toyed with me, making me confused, and being different from all the other girls at school. And ever since, its been extremely difficult to even have a remote idea of whats on your mind, and its even worse now that we dont necessarily talk anymore…

I cant bring my self to talk to you, have lunch with you, stay after school with you, walk home with you. Whenever i try to text you, you ignore me half the time, and yet, somehow, i still like you. im too chickenshit to make a move, and i get butterflies just by seeing you. This hasnt only happened with you, i actually find it ridiculuously difficult to talk to girls i like. all this time, i’ve been sure that you like me too, even through al the confusion. but recently, over the past few days, you seem pissed off or bothered by something, even though you might not be, im afraid of approaching you when you are like this in the morning. hopefully when i overcome my difficulty with talking to girls i like ( i seriously hope its soon, we’re growing too far apart now) that you still like me. until then, I want to still be able to talk with you. If you do like me too, try to show me somehow, because I’m truly clueless…

AO”

——-

“I feel like my heart is literally broken. Like it will never be whole again. Everyone keeps saying I’ll be okay and move on, but I don’t want to. You’re the only one I want and need, but you keep ignoring me. I feel so lonely sometimes that it feels as though my world is slowly falling apart. I just keep this little tiny bit of hope inside that soon you’ll reach out to me and realize you need me too, and we can figure out what we could do…instead of this silence. It’s literally killing me.”

——-

“I still miss you sometimes, but I deserve SO much better and I love that I have finally realized it. Bottoms up to LETTING GO! :)”

——-

“You are amazing and considerate, and I know I take that for granted. I know you just want to help, but I feel like an idiot for needing someone’s help, like I’m not able to handle something on my own. I was completely in the wrong for shitting on your concern, and I’ve never felt so stupid and shitty in my entire life because you’ve never been more right.”

——-

“My entire life I’ve felt depressed but its gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and I feel anxious around others. There are days when I feel perfectly fine but then there are other days where I feel absolutely terrible. I feel it in the pit of my stomach and I just feel like crying. I am not hopeful about my future and I often think of dying. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I feel so angry and frustrated with everything. I pretend around people and I always smile. I just want to feel normal but I’ll never be normal. I’m useless and broken. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I just don’t know who I am anymore.”

——-

“I cheated on my boyfriend and dumped him in between Christmas and New Years and went off with the other guy.

3 months later I break it off with the new guy, because I think I only liked him because I was cheating.

I sleep with my ex a couple of weeks later because I’m bored… but then he tells me to shout out the other guy’s name. It turns out he had a fantasy about me cheating on him, and me pretending he’s someone else really turned him on.

The sex was Great.”

——-

“I hate my boyfriend so freaking much, you don’t even understand.”

——-

“The world is broken, and all I want is a hug.”

——-

“After caring so much about school for my entire life, I realize it was just an escape. I finally feel happy and I could care less. Who would have thought?”

——-

“I would kill to have the diet and appetite of a normal person, to not constantly have this stupid obsession with every calorie I consume. I can’t stop it. I know it’s stupid and shallow, but my sanity revolves around it. I fucking hate it, and it won’t go away”

——-

“I need to sleep.

I haven’t been able to.

I just want a hug.

and someone to cry to.”