May Secrets!

“This semester was surely the worst time of my life. It just got worse with time
1. It started with me dropping one of my courses as I thought I dint grasp the material well
2. I would have to retake another class in fall’13 cause I almost fail in one final
3. Now Im in jeopardy of being kicked out of the major, even as a senior, if I don’t do well in both of them next sem
4. Got fired from my job for no legit reason
5. Got nothing for the summer! No internships! Would have to take a summer class
6. I hardly have any friends in College. Really cant talk to any of these acquaintances
7. Have to lie or dodge around these questions in front of my family or friend(s)
8. Financially broke. I will be forced to drop out of college if I’d need one more sem to graduate

Worst : I don’t even think I gave my everything. It kills me from inside. More than anything, I am dissapointed with myself.”

——-

“my whole life i have had this disgusting desire to please everyone, and i don’t know how to stop. i feel it’s stopping me from being the person i’m supposed to be, probably a worse person than i am now. i’m just so fucking sick of trying to be what someone else expects or living up to anything that resembles perfection, even in the smallest, most insignificant way. i’m sick of believing martyring myself in any way in order to please someone makes me better than someone else, when, in reality, it really fucking doesn’t. I hate it, i loathe it, and i wish i never gave a fuck.”

——-

“A couple weeks ago, a couple of my friends decided to go out to Rehoboth beach at night. The four of us drove out at 2 in the morning and made it just in time to watch the sun rise.

I sat there on the beach with my three friends and for some reason, I couldn’t help but think of you. I hadn’t seen you in over a year. We hadn’t been together since two years ago. But you still pop up in my mind every now and then.

And I hate it. I hate remembering you.

That night, on that beach, I decided to finally let you go. It’s done. I’m done thinking about you and everything we went through.

I found out you’d already started dating someone.
I’m genuinely happy for you, I wish you all the best in your relationship – and I sincerely hope this is the one for you.

But it was like reopening a wound. It shouldn’t have been, but it was.
I have to keep telling myself that I’m done thinking about you.”

——-

“I wrote this last year “We are supposed to have a four year old. I know you always say your glad you don’t have kids, when all our friends do, but everytime you say it, it kills me. I wanted that baby, and it died inside of me. You didn’t want to talk about it, you still wont to this day, and you wonder why I changed. I killed our child, it was a miscarriage but I still feel like a murderer. How can you be happy about that?….. ”

Since then you cheated and left me for someone else and she’s due in two months. I keep talking about how happy I am, and I lucked out, and talk so much shit about how karma kicked your ass. I’ve also found out I most likely can’t even carry a baby to term ever. I also hear your think about naming it that name we talked about.

What did I ever do in life to deserve this? I don’t think I can handle much more.”

——-

“The person who has the paranoia about their friends: I had that too! I’d also think that they were just putting up with me because they had to.

If you give it some time, you’ll find that there are some really special people who aren’t just putting up with you, and that do truly like, you because you are someone special.

What it all comes down to is trust. It’s big and scary, but once you realise they are really your friends, you won’t think they’re saying bad things about you behind your back.”

——-

“Every time I get into a dangerous situation (like a close encounter with a car accident), I think about whose lives would actually be affected if I were to be killed or hospitalized. But then I think that I must have survived for a reason, and so I must belong on this Earth. I guess that means I’m not done here, and I think that’s a good thing.”

——-

“I have this crazy paranoia that all of my friends actually hate me and talk behind my back every time I leave the room.”

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