April Secrets!

“Dammit! I screwed up on my chances to meet the Goo Goo Dolls at the Preakness. They’re my songwriting inspiration.”

——-

“I don’t want to be here…at my home in Baltimore. I’m suppose to celebrate my dad’s wedding. My other friend lost his father and I want to support him.  For once I can say I do trust somebody. Sometimes I feel he has more ears and a brain than my dad will ever have.

I don’t care about his wedding. He threatened me to come. He said if I didn’t he won’t through me an Eagle ceremony. I have to look at all the stuff he’s done to me; called me fat, feel asleep every time I asked him to order Senior Portraits, told me to get lost, and made me throw my own graduation party.

I wish he’d appreciate some of the things I did after my mom died. I made him dinner and got the Eagle Scout Award HE WANTED!

I hate being unappreciated.”

——-

“I’ve had a sense of impending doom for weeks now. The truth is, I’m a fraud and finals are going to expose me.”

——-

“I hate it when people say “welcome to the real world”

Fuck off. You don’t know anything about me or my life.”

——-

“It pisses me off when I’m told to “lighten up” or “relax”

especially about something that I don’t find funny, or that genuinely bothers me.

Fuck off alright?

This shit is real to me, don’t tell me to just smile and take it, and I’m not going to laugh at something that isn’t funny to me.”

——-

“So I just found out I have public lice (crabs) and its freaking me out/disgusting. I’ve been reading up on it and I can’t just shave all my hair down there, I’ll probably actually have to go to a doctor to get a prescription for treatment. I blame this on my hairy boyfriend and his lack of hygiene. Is this a breakup worthy offense? I haven’t slept with anyone but him for the past two months….”

——-

“Ever since we first talked on the first day of second semester, i had a feeling that we’d end up together, i dont know why. At first it was interesting, how you toyed with me, making me confused, and being different from all the other girls at school. And ever since, its been extremely difficult to even have a remote idea of whats on your mind, and its even worse now that we dont necessarily talk anymore…

I cant bring my self to talk to you, have lunch with you, stay after school with you, walk home with you. Whenever i try to text you, you ignore me half the time, and yet, somehow, i still like you. im too chickenshit to make a move, and i get butterflies just by seeing you. This hasnt only happened with you, i actually find it ridiculuously difficult to talk to girls i like. all this time, i’ve been sure that you like me too, even through al the confusion. but recently, over the past few days, you seem pissed off or bothered by something, even though you might not be, im afraid of approaching you when you are like this in the morning. hopefully when i overcome my difficulty with talking to girls i like ( i seriously hope its soon, we’re growing too far apart now) that you still like me. until then, I want to still be able to talk with you. If you do like me too, try to show me somehow, because I’m truly clueless…

AO”

——-

“I feel like my heart is literally broken. Like it will never be whole again. Everyone keeps saying I’ll be okay and move on, but I don’t want to. You’re the only one I want and need, but you keep ignoring me. I feel so lonely sometimes that it feels as though my world is slowly falling apart. I just keep this little tiny bit of hope inside that soon you’ll reach out to me and realize you need me too, and we can figure out what we could do…instead of this silence. It’s literally killing me.”

——-

“I still miss you sometimes, but I deserve SO much better and I love that I have finally realized it. Bottoms up to LETTING GO! :)”

——-

“You are amazing and considerate, and I know I take that for granted. I know you just want to help, but I feel like an idiot for needing someone’s help, like I’m not able to handle something on my own. I was completely in the wrong for shitting on your concern, and I’ve never felt so stupid and shitty in my entire life because you’ve never been more right.”

——-

“My entire life I’ve felt depressed but its gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and I feel anxious around others. There are days when I feel perfectly fine but then there are other days where I feel absolutely terrible. I feel it in the pit of my stomach and I just feel like crying. I am not hopeful about my future and I often think of dying. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I feel so angry and frustrated with everything. I pretend around people and I always smile. I just want to feel normal but I’ll never be normal. I’m useless and broken. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I just don’t know who I am anymore.”

——-

“You are amazing and considerate, and I know I take that for granted. I know you just want to help, but I feel like an idiot for needing someone’s help, like I’m not able to handle something on my own. I was completely in the wrong for shitting on your concern, and I’ve never felt so stupid and shitty in my entire life because you’ve never been more right.”

——-

“I cheated on my boyfriend and dumped him in between Christmas and New Years and went off with the other guy.

3 months later I break it off with the new guy, because I think I only liked him because I was cheating.

I sleep with my ex a couple of weeks later because I’m bored… but then he tells me to shout out the other guy’s name. It turns out he had a fantasy about me cheating on him, and me pretending he’s someone else really turned him on.

The sex was Great.”

——-

“I hate my boyfriend so freaking much, you don’t even understand.”

——-

“The world is broken, and all I want is a hug.”

——-

“After caring so much about school for my entire life, I realize it was just an escape. I finally feel happy and I could care less. Who would have thought?”

——-

“I would kill to have the diet and appetite of a normal person, to not constantly have this stupid obsession with every calorie I consume. I can’t stop it. I know it’s stupid and shallow, but my sanity revolves around it. I fucking hate it, and it won’t go away”

——-

“I need to sleep.

I haven’t been able to.

I just want a hug.

and someone to cry to.”

Advertisements

One comment

  1. I am so sad, I am engaged to the first man I ever loved, first man I had sex with and he is also the only man I can say I truly have/had love/loved, also with that he is the one person who can truly piss me off, to the point I am mad and balling??? I have a jealous side, and I am not good at sharing. He knows this and I feel he does it to hurt me or make me leave?? He is addicted to porn, not just come on baby and we watch and get ideas and so on …. but he actually lies and tries hiding it, he will lock our bedroom door and beat off to another fucking bitch and then gets mad at me cause I couldn’t blow or hand him off because I am tending to our three children. What the fuck, I am so hurt, pissed, confused, and damn-it I want him to want me, fuck me, touch me, and love me as much as I love and want him. I really need him to truly understand I won’t share him and I will not compete, especially with a women who gets paid for sex and he needs to realize and fucking understand I love him and only him, I have no lust in my heart and I pretty much try to do everything I can to make him smile. He I should say is like this when induced with ……… and then after a couple days of feeling like shit and like I don’t matter and I am only a maid and sex bunny, which don’t get me wrong the sex is great but it seems different, anyways sober, tired and he is doing nothing, we argue for 1,2, sometimes more days and I am constantly reminded I am a bitch and all I do is bitch, and pretty much I do nothing right, DAMN that fucking hurts bad, I hate crying but in the last 6/7 months(of this) I have cried more than I have through out my life, I have no self esteem, hate my body, my face and everything to do with ME, I feel dumb and so depressed, I want to be happy, I want my best friend and soul mate back, I would LOVE to see him smile, see him be happy, and I really want to feel “wanted”, “important”, “needed” and damn it ‘respected’. I really do love him but I cant keep feeling the way I do, I have my angels to keep safe and loved, Life please come back to my home, come back and take us away from this HELL. sad, mad, and I just want/need my MAN BACK cause I am just about so far gone I might not find my way back and that scares the living shit out of me. So much more, not going to have this pity party go on any longer.

    Note to self…….. ‘HEY DUMBASS WHAT ABOUT YOUR 2 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND HANDSOME BOY?’ grow up, wake up and smell the fucking coffee

    ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s