September Secrets!

“All I think about is you. I don’t care about my classes, or the tests, or learning. I could throw my whole life away if I knew you loved me.”

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“You’re lying three feet from me, and if you asked me to crawl into your bed instead of mine I would in a heartbeat. One day I hope you see me as more than just one of the guys.”

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“Eating is for the weak.  Eating is for the weak.  Eating is for the weak.”

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“You screwed up. Goodbye.”

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“I know you’re not the one for me, but I can’t seem to let you go. I don’t understand this hold you have on me without even trying.”

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“So I just had sex for the first time this past saturday night… And it was a threesome … with two smoking hot chicks. There was a party at my place, I got back from teaching high school marching band rehearsal (ironically enough), took a shower, I’m in a towel in my room and these two lovely women walk in. Essentially the rest is history. But damn, I teach clarinet, the nerdiest instrument there is. Let alone all the scrutiny I get for being in ‘the band.’ My first time was a threesome. Bucketlist win.”

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“Today, my girlfriend called me a failure for not agreeing to move out with her as soon as possible.
I just transferred to a new school and got a lot of pressure riding on me in these next two years to finish on time and get a serious job. Yet, she wants to keep bringing me down, saying that I should just drop out, suck it up, and move out without thinking about how we are going to pay for everything.

Is it wrong for me to want to be the best for her and not want to move out until I’m prepared for the world? I’m 20 years old and loans and my parents pay for my education. Finish that first then get out is my thoughts about that.

But I guess that doesn’t make her happy. What do I got to do? Fuck I do enough in this relationship and all I’m asking is for support and not have you talking shit about every decision I make.

Are you my girlfriend or my mom?”

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“I’m going to be 21 soon, and I’ve never had sex. I’ve never actually done anything sexual except make out with one girl. What is wrong with me?”

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“9/12/2012 at 2:30pm, I found out I was pregnant. Around 4 to 6 weeks. I dont want to keep the baby – im only 19. But, it’s weird. I’ve had conversations with my boyfriend before about possible baby names. What if this is supposed to be that baby? But I wont let myself get attached. I can’t. The only connection I will allow myself is seeing how developed the baby is supposed to be in pictures online. But after the surgery, none of this will have ever happened. Nobody will ever know about my little Anastasia or Joseph. Nobody but my boyfriend and I.”

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“I’m becoming a lot more hostile, short tempered, and almost always resorting to violence now a days. I’m not sure if it’s all the stupid people I interact with on a day to day basis or if I’m just messed up in the head. Some guy I have class with with (acquaintances not friends) whipped my back with a shirt and I turned around and punched him. No confronting, no chance for an explanation, bam… Bruised shoulder.

There hasn’t been a real trigger event to make me react this way. Bunch of tiny stuff building up … Maybe MMA this summer was a bad idea?”

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“Back in February, this was me…

‘I cry when I’m sad, but that’s not why i’m going to do it. I know he may hurt me again, but that’s not why I’m going to do it. I hate myself for being lazy, fat, ugly, worthless, but that’s not why I’m going to do it. Talking to people I know doesn’t help because they only want to tell me what they think i should do. And I’ve tried paying someone and that doesn’t work either. Yes, I was abused more than once before I even turned eight, and yes it happened after that too. I’ve simply decided that we wake up, die, and then it’s over. If there is a god or higher power he obviously doesn’t give a rats ass about the pains we go through. I haven’t turned to alcohol or drugs, mostly because if i’m gonna be completely out of it, i might as well be dead. I’m going to die because I choose it, and well you really know you want to when the doctor says IT’S NOT CANCER and that provides you with no comfort, you actually cry because you’re upset… I may not go today or tomorrow but I know that when I do, it will be me who does it because death is the only thing in life that can’t be taken from me. Innocence, happiness, safety, love, trust… all these things can be taken or destroyed and they have time and time again… I’ll never tell my parents that I’ve tried to kill myself over and over, I’m just waiting to move out so they can’t possibly believe they could have stopped me. Whats messed up is I can’t even bring on a full blown cry right now because the love of my life is sleeping in the same room… oh well, I’ve shed enough tears for many lifetimes and they’re wasteful and painful for those around me…'”

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“I was eight weeks pregnant. We were so very excited, the father was so happy and supportive and even started helping me pick out names.. I know it was too early to be excited but from four days pregnant and on I felt the symptoms and my body changing and I loved her. In my heart it was a girl and she was amazing.

We went for the first picture… and… no heartbeat… they said they were sorry and it wasn’t my fault, we weren’t convinced she was really gone. So, we opted to wait… Well, really he said wait and i agreed… part of me knew she was dead and I thought that it would give him time to cope and say goodbye. I walked around for exactly two weeks with my baby dead inside me. Loving her all the same and not knowing what to do. I tried to bring her into the world and failed. I tried to help him cope and failed.

I had the d&c and he still seemed supportive and loving…

Exactly two weeks after my surgery I walked in on him in bed with another woman.

He put bruises on me to get me out of her way and said it was my fault.

That was a couple months ago…

I gave every piece of my sanity and heart to him and he threw me away. I’m okay with that… What I’m not okay with is my baby being stolen… and having my chance to try again taken…

It took two years to be intimate with someone and now I can’t even think of it without being terrified and sick. I even looked into in vitro but i’m too young and promising to be a candidate. I already let him go, D.C.R. I don’t want you I’d willingly sacrifice you to get my little peanut back. Just give her back to me… please.”

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“I am gradually discovering that I really don’t love anything at all.”

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“Seriously guys, life gets so much better when you quit trying to be what other people want you to be. This is particularly directed at the girl who stays in and reads on weekend nights. I’m with ya sister! Why? Because I’d rather read on a Friday night than force myself into a typical college social life that I don’t actually enjoy.”

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“There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma to rip the nails out of the past.”

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“I walked back on campus and felt like I had never left. Last semester was brutal… emotionally, physically, psychologically. I don’t know if I can continue to do this. Is it really worth it in the end? All the pain, stress, sleepless nights for what? A little piece of paper? Is that a joke?! We sacrifice friendships, interests and our health over projects, papers and assignments. It just doesn’t seem logical. I have no attachment to this school, to this degree, to any of this.”

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“It really annoys me how people wear all this “Terps” gear. It’s cool to like your school, but what’s with all the stupid shorts and hats and backpacks? Just wear your normal sh*t, you don’t have to look like a tool. You already payed all this money to come here, now you’re paying more to tell people you came here? Come on guys…”

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“The love of my life, who I’ve been with for the past 6 years just moved in with his other girlfriend. He didn’t break up with me, or leave a note, or call. He just never came home. Our best friend (his roommate) stayed and told me. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, and I’m taking it well….I’ve already relapsed, I’ve been drunk every night, and I want to die.”

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“Every night, planes fly low over my house en route to Andrews Air Force base.

And every night, I feel like it’s 9-11 again.

Maybe one of those planes IS heading on a collision course with the Pentagon, or the Capital, or the White House.

Or maybe I’m just paranoid ever since I learned that the hijackers lived five miles from me for months.”

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“I keep thinking about my past relationships and I miss them so much. Not the people, but the way they made me feel. I know I’m still young, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever have that feeling again. People say “there’s always someone out there”, but what if I never look and they never find me?”

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