July Secrets!

“I have been depressed for at least 7 years. It started out as being bullied by my Boy Scout troop, my peers in schools, and my mom at my house. My mom controlled my life throughout middle school. In middle school I wanted to be a pop star who could sing and play the piano. The kind like Gavin Degraw, Bruno Mars, and Isaac Slade of the Fray. Those dreams were pushed a side because my mom forced me into Scouting and band (I hated every minute of it). She made me give up piano lesson in 2006 and did not necessarily approve of me doing theatrical plays.

In middle school my peers would call me “Feminine” and “gay” to the point I wanted to kill myself. The teachers and the Administration said I was “tattle tailing”.

My mom died in 2009. For about a year I felt an era of peace. I pretty much controlled the house. There was no more fighting and no more screaming. During that time I decorated the house to my taste. Later in 2010 my dad found a girlfriend and moved her in. The house was now her’s and I lost a lot of power. Oddly I got my Eagle, highest rank in Scouting, and did another year of band.

When I heard early 2011 I got into Maryland I was filled with joy and glee. I figured I could move down to College Park forever.
My first year at Maryland was great!!!! I made sooo many new friends and got into a fraternity, G-Phi.

The hardest part after the first year was the transition back to my hometown, since I live in the dorm and can only stay there for the school year. Businesses weren’t hiring, I was not qualified to be a canvasser for Environment Maryland, and I am pretty much broke. During the school year I was taking stuff, antiques and person belongings, from my house into my Grandmother’s. I thought it was safe until my sister moved into there. Since she has been there she has thrown stuff out and forced me to take a lot of it back to my house. Since I have been home. I have been cleaning the basement. Finding many articles of paper has re-exposed me to the past. It brings me back to a time of arguing, bullying, and hopelessness.

I have been going to psychotherapy. The doctor prescribed me Lexapro. I am nervous because the side effect is suicide.

I am in a bad position. I was promised of all kinds of opportunity if I got Eagle. I have no job. I feel like my past was a waste of time that contributed to absolute nothing.  My house is just a moment of pain and traumas. I fear of talking to my sister because she is very bi-polar and judgmental. I have a lot of angry over those who bullied me to the point of death. In the past 7 months I have had countless thoughts of committing suicide. I feel like just ending my life. I want to be at peace. I don’t know what to do?”

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“Sometimes you still show up in my dreams even though i don’t know you anymore… and you probably hate me.”

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“I’m scared to graduate.  Really scared.  What if I don’t become what everyone and I want to be?  School has always been an easy answer to give.”

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“I think I got raped, but I’m still a virgin.
This is what happened: 3 guys and 2 of my best friends and I decided to go to the beach. One guy is basically my bffs bf (but not official since he is leaving his college because his ex gf has a restraining order against him), and one guy is my other friends fuck buddy. And then the other one was my designated hookup buddy. The last night at the beach we drank jungle juice and a mixture of alc. I made myself shitfaced because I didn’t like my hookup except for when I was drunk. I couldn’t not hookup with him and ruin my girlfriends’ weekend.

That last night I was only in my underwear hooking up with my hookup. Then the other two guys came in in their boxers. I thought they were joking about having a foursome. I said only if two of them kissed because straight boys would never. Well two of the three straight boys in their boxers kissed. And suddenly I realized I was in trouble. They knew I thought it was a joke but THEY were serious the whole time. In one split second all three of their dicks were forced in my face. I was so fucked up I went down on them and stroked them but I remember feeling so freaked out.

“Finger her,” one said. “Fuck her,” the other said. “I want to fuck her so hard, I want to fuck her so hard,” voices shouted simultaneously.

“Don’t tell anyone this happened,” the bf said.

What saved me from being gang banged? I had my period.

I feel changed, I feel different. I don’t think I can be the bubbly girl I once was. I feel a little dead. I woke up this morning feel nauseous and crying. I don’t want to eat. Someone else looks back at me in the mirror. I feel like I’m zoning in and out of my life. Apparently these are all the symptoms of rape trauma. Apparently the FBI counts forced oral sex as rape. And oddly enough when I read that definition I felt a little at peace knowing there was a reason I was feeling traumatized. Knowing that it wasn’t my fault, because I was convinced it all was.

The only thing getting me through my depression is that there is still a little part of me left…technically, I haven’t had real sex yet. I can’t wait for the guy that will eventually be with me, and see me as a person, not as a piece of meat, and touch me in a way that matters.”

——-

“I graduated from maryland a year ago. I have no job, I’m living at home, I have no boyfriend and lost 3 best friends all in one year. I’m smart, fun and pretty. SO WHY CANT I CATCH A BREAK?”

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“I am in love with a married man. He tells me that he loves me too, and in a different way than he loves his wife. He said if he could do it all over again, he would have married me. I know that if he really wanted things to be different, he would make it happen. I’m tortured on a daily basis keeping this secret from everyone; I never thought I’d ever be “that girl.” I never wanted any of this to happen.. I am living in hell. I have never felt this way about anyone, but I know that we will never be together. Will I ever be able to move on, and feel this way about someone else? I’m scared, and I hurt.”

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“My bf lost his job, his car, and his apartment. Now he has to move 3 hours away, because neither of us can afford anything around here. I told him it was okay if he moved. I haven’t told him that I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”

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“We’ve only been friends for a little while and I’m already closer to you then I’ve ever been to anyone, and I’ve totally fallen for you.  As usual, you’re taken and I’m sitting here wondering if I will ever get a chance.”

——-

“I troll the w4m area in the casual encounters section of craigslist. I haven’t had sex in over a year and I desperately want the touch of a woman. Anyone who knows me would never imagine that I do this, but the truth is I feel lonely, horny and want some form of intimacy.”

——-

“I’m afraid that you’re going to let fear ruin what we might have.”

——-

“When I started dating you I didn’t care. You were twice my age plus one and already had a girlfriend anyway. But now you fell in love with me. And I can’t tell anybody, not even you, how much this is making me suffer.
Am I even still keeping myself from loving you? Or am I simply repressing it, and is that the reason I’m feeling so sad every time you leave. Or every time you bring her up.”

——-

“I fall asleep while texting him just so I have a text from him when I wake up.”

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“I am so scared. My girlfriend might be pregnant. We are so not ready for a baby… I’m not even certain if we’ll be together for that long. I want to be, but things happen. I have to wait 3 weeks to see if she misses her Period… Scary shit….”

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“Everyone makes fun of my friend because they’ve never seen him with a girl. This might be shallow, but I know he’s not gay, because I think he’s in love with me. I’ve been with someone else for years, but I think he’s been waiting for me … and I never did anything about it, I just left him waiting.”

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“I’m only 21 years old, but I want to be pregnant so bad. I want a baby to call mine. Am I an idiot? Probably.”

——-

“I’m in love with my best friend. I think it’s rare nowadays to date someone we’ve known for a long time; we tend to dive right into relationships.

I wish I was brave enough to tell him.”

——-

“I’m too picky with women, so I don’t have a girlfriend.”

——-

“I would give all of this up for you out of fear of never finding someone like you again. I can’t pass this opportunity up.”

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“I’ve known you for 15 years, we just began talking 2 weeks ago, and you completely stole my heart. You’re 14 hours away from me, but I’ve never felt so close to someone in my life. I hope you are willing to hold on as tight as I am.”

——-

“Apparently spilling my heart out to you to have you ignore me was what I really needed to get over you for the last year. Glad I finally figured that out.”

——-

“For so long I have been working on trying to fix how I look on the outside because I thought I didn’t look attractive enough … come to find out all along that it isn’t my looks that drives people away it is my terrible personality. Go figure.”

——-

“How do we know when something is real and fully understand that, when everything we’ve ever known about are based on guesses?”

——-

“I don’t have the heart or balls apparently to break up with my girlfriend. I feel like it would either devastate her, or she’d shrug it off like it was nothing. I leave for officer training school in a year, but until then i’ll be with her from mid august through May of next year. I don’t wanna divide everybody, I still wanna be her friend, and I hope she understands.

I’ve explained this situation to a lot of my close trusted friends and they say sounds like its time to dump her. My dad even said “sounds like shes a dead weight you need to drop.” So im coming to the Terpsecret network for advice.

We’re not physical, like ever really. But we’ve been together for like almost 8 months, and im not trying to slip into a physical relationship, but doing straight up nothing…its different, but i don’t like it. I’m not looking for sex, the way things are going, marriage will occur before sex. and i’m cool with that esp since I’ve got 21.5+ years without it. I don’t think she knows what passion is. I’m putting in 150% into this relationship and getting back 20%. In person its not as bad. But DAMN c’mon now. Why be with me if you don’t wanna be with me? Show me you want to be with me. Prove it to me! I’m almost at the point where I want to do something stupid to see if she’ll care or not.

But bottom line is, why am I with her if im not happy?”

——-

“I’m starving myself. Not because of my weight (I’m too skinny and it’s caused me major problems…) but because i’m too lazy to make food. This is sad…”

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